Thursday, March 30, 2023
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    5 Reasons You Should Not Vote for Bernie Sanders

    Should you vote for Bernie Sanders? We have no clue. Seriously. We don’t.

    It’s up to you.

    We’re not one of these people who thinks we have a right to tell you not to lobby for your candidate during the primary. You probably have all kinds of reasons to vote for him. You probably have all kinds of reasons to not vote for him. We don’t think it does any harm to any candidate down the line to support yours with as much intensity as you want. There are good reasons both for and against most of the candidates this time around. But…

    In the interest of intellectual honesty, here are 5 Reasons You Should Not Vote For Bernie Sanders,

    #5. You Think Rich People Don’t Have it Quite Easy Enough in This Country

    It’s no big secret that Bernie would pay for his proposals in large part by raising taxes. One area he plans on raising taxes is on capital gains taxes, which would certainly impact the wealthier families in this country more so than the middle class. The investor class is worried though, that if you raise their taxes they might not be able to afford that second or third home they had their eye on. If we go and ask them for a few more pennies on their dollar, they might just decide to up and leave this country, because that’s what patriots do when their fellow citizens ask them to pay a little more in taxes (that they can totally afford) — they abandon them.

    If you know that rich people are the most important people in America, you won’t vote for Senator Sanders.

    #4. You Think Education is for Pussies and Liberals

    A big part of Senator Sanders’ plans for America involves making education “free” for students up to their first couple years of Junior College. But why on Earth would we invest in smarter people? Who needs education when you can just go slave away working four or five minimum wage jobs. Then, and only then, can you go to college. I mean, good luck finding the time and money to scrape together to afford it, but hey, it’s better than expecting to get a good education so you can support yourself, you hippie!

    #3. You Think Corporations Have It Too Hard and Aren’t Making Enough Money Yet

    One of the biggest ways Bernie has proposed paying for his proposals is to close loopholes on corporate taxes. Conservatives will remind us though, that taxes here in America are high, even though we know a whole shit-ton of super-profitable companies are in fact not paying any taxes. In fact, in 2014 we know that at least 15 of the Fortune 500 companies paid zero taxes, but do you really think that means they’re not paying their fair share in taxes, just because they’re literally not paying any taxes? What kind of libtard are you? Life in America will never be great until corporations and the One Percent own every single dollar out there, and if you vote for Bernie, you’re basically saying you want those 15 companies to pay taxes, you cold hearted jerk!

    #2. You’re All Like, “War? That’s Totes Dope Rad!”

    A vote for Sanders is a vote for a guy who was right about the Iraq War invasion. Now, ask yourself, do you really want someone in charge of our troops if they aren’t willing to put them in harm’s way for profit? Is that really American? Does that really display our values — showing prudence and caution when discussing military options? Diplomacy is great and all, but if you vote for Bernie, you might be voting for a guy who won’t start wars of choice! What in the hell will our military do with itself? Like, help people instead of blowing them up? Pfffft.

    #1. You’ve Never Been Outside This Country So You’re Sure Democratic Socialism Could Never Work

    If you’re like a lot of Americans, you’ve never set foot in a Democratically Socialist country. So that’s why you know it won’t work; your politicians and pundits have told you so. I mean, look at those damn socialists in Great Britain! They’re always on the brink of collapse. Ditto Germany. Oh, and that other country with those Democratically Socialist programs like Social Security, Medicare, and the largest military in the world paid for by the taxpayers entirely…what’s the name of it again, the Shmunited Shmates of Shmumerica or something? Anyway, socialism is bad because you know it’s bad, and no amount of facts, evidence, or historical data will sway you, because you’re smart and discerning!

    Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

    James Schlarmann
    James Schlarmann
    Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.