You’re young! You’re hip! You’re down to party, and damn it, it’s SPRING BREAK! Sure, there’s a global effort to squash a pandemic outbreak of a deadly virus, but you gotta hit that beach, fam!

Of course, if you do hit that beach you will exponentially increase your odds of contracting COVID-19, or the novel coronavirus. And, despite previously reported information that the virus is more harmful to older folks, it’s looking like young adults could also be hit extremely hard by it. But you know what? FUCK IT! You’re young! You’re hip! You can just vlog your way through your spring break from a bed in one of these five super fun hospitals!

Local Man Not Defensive, But Why Are You Even Asking?!

5. South Miami Hospital

Don’t let this hospital’s 3-star Yelp! review scare you off. The amenities at South Miami Hospital are to die for. Maybe literally, if you’ve contacted COVID-19. The hospital features doctors, nurses, and support staff all dedicated to making sure your stay is a fun and lifesaving one! There’s no bar, but there are plenty if IV bags and medicines to hopefully combat the virus you got infected with while you swam in the ocean and made out with several random strangers. You’re gonna just love South Miami Hospital!

4. Valley Regional Medical Center

South Padre Island is a hot destination every year for Spring Breakers. This year, if you and a few thousand of your fellow youngsters go and party your asses off, you might get the chance to stay in the area’s Valley Regional Medical Center. Located just a few miles from the beach, your stay will be punctuated by smells of the ocean, once you’re released. For the time you’re in the hospital you’ll be treated to the lovely aroma of hospital cleaning supplies and sterile gloves and breathing masks. Don’t leave Valley Regional until you’ve had a chance for a shopping spree in their lovely gift shop!

3. Advent Health Orlando

Not far from South Miami, where our #5 hospital is located, is Advent Health Orlando. Located near the areas world famous theme parks, Advent makes this list because of their award winning cafeteria. In 2016, the cafeteria’s peanut butter and jelly sandwich was voted Best Hospital Cafeteria Peanut Butter and Jelly Sandwich by Dr. Kirby McGee, who was working as a surgeon at Advent Health Orlando at the time. McGee is the publisher of the Hospital Cafe Blog, which does exactly as its name would suggest, and focuses on the food served in hospital cafeterias all over the country.

2. Select Specialty Hospital – Phoenix

If the beaches aren’t necessarily your thing, but you still want to party it up, a lot of folks seem to choose Phoenix, Arizona as their Spring Break destination. If you find yourself in that group this year, don’t forget to bookmark Select Specialty Hospital, in downtown Phoenix. It’s rated quite highly on Yelp! and Google, and we hear the wet T-shirt contests are off the charts. Then again, we could be very, very wrong about the wet T-shirt contest thing, so make sure to call ahead.

1. Scripps La Jolla

They call San Diego “America’s Finest City,” but you really shouldn’t go there during Spring Break this year. Of course, we can’t stop you if you do, and given that we’re in the middle of a pandemic, you should know where the finest city’s finest hospital is. Scripp’s La Jolla is the county’s top rated hospital. Make sure that if you’re going to follow the ill-advised crowd, you know how to get to this hospital. So, surf’s up…and your temperature might go up if the surf’s up, so cowabunga, or whatever.

CDC Recommends Washing Hands For At Least As Long As It Takes For You To Masturbate


Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

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