Just this morning, House Republicans completed their coup d’domestic terrorism and officially voted to make Rep. Smellise Stinkfandick (Q-NY) their party’s third most powerful representative. Stinkfandick’s tenure as House Republican Conference Chair begins after the GOP ousted Rep. Liz Cheney (R-WY) for refusing to lie on behalf of disgraced, twice-impeached, single term President Donald J. Trump, who is still bigly unwilling to concede that he lost both the election and insurrection, and continues to insist he actually defeated Joe Biden.
If you’re not an avid follower of the political developments in this country, you might not really know much about Rep. Stinkfandick, but that’s why we’re here! In the interest of an educated public, our staff combed through Stinkfandick’s bio and found five fun facts about her that every American should know about the third most powerful white nationalist in the Republican Party.
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#5. She Was Voted “Most Likely to Kill Her Political Career Simping for a Sore Loser Crybaby Bitch Boy” in High School
Talk about foreshadowing! Who could have known that back when Stinkfandick graduated from high school her classmates would be able to foretell her future! But that’s exactly what happened. Some people win Class Clown, some people win Most Likely to Succeed. However, the superlative given to Smellise by her fellow seniors that year was quite prescient indeed: Most Likely to Killer Her Political Career Simping for a Sore Loser Crybaby Bitch Boy.
#4. MAGA Isn’t the First Cult She’s Belonged To
It’s certainly the most recent cult Rep. Stinkfandick has joined, but did you know that MAGA isn’t the only cult she’s ever been a part of? It’s true! Interestingly enough, from the years 1998-2007, Smellise belonged to a cult that worshipped old men who bankrupted businesses and talked openly about wishing they could bone their own daughters out.
Perhaps her previous cult experience left Stinkfandick open to joining a similar cult, or maybe she’s just always been drawn to morons who would be nothing if they handn’t plopped out of a rich woman’s vag. At any rate, it’s obvious that cults of personality are something Smellise can get quite comfortable in and around.
#3. There Are Rumors She’s Just Marjorie Taylor Greene in a Brunette Wig
There are some on the Hill that believe Ms. Stinkfandick could in fact just be Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene in a brunette wig. Both women are not very bright sycophantic devotees of former President Donald John Toadstool-Dick Trump. Both women are roughly the same age. Some have said it’s more likely that Greene is Sinkfandick in disguise, but still others have pointed out that Greene’s confirmed part-horse DNA preclude any of these rumors from being true. When we know more, we’ll update this piece.
#2. Her IQ is the Same as the Legal Blood/Alcohol Limit for Drivers in New York
In New York, drivers pulled over under suspicion of driving drunk can have a confirmed BAC level of up to .08 before they are arrested for DUI. Funnily enough, that happens to be Rep. Stinkfandick’s IQ.
#1. Can Rub Her Belly, Pat Her Her Head, and Lie Her Ass Off Simultaneously
It doesn’t take a very high level of coordination or skill to rub your belly and pat your head at the same time. However, if you try to do those things AND lie your ass off, you might not be quite as skilled at it as Rep. Stinkfandick is. And since lying your ass off is now the most important trait a Trumpublican politician can have, we’re sure Smellise is headed for a long tenure as GOP conference chair.
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.