Christmas is on the way, and the waterfowl are beginning to put on extra weight. With the holiday season upon us, even in the middle of a global pandemic we all have people in our lives we need to buy gifts for. What would life be like without showering ourselves with commercialism wrapped in a facade of moral purity and a performative desire to “be good,” anyway?
There might be a particularly difficult person for you to buy gifts for this year, though. The country just went through a vicious, hotly contested election and it’s becoming increasingly more apparent each day how hard some people are finding it to cope with the results. In fact, the people we curated this list for are probably having difficulties acknowledging that those results even exist.
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So what do you get for the cultist in your life for Christmas that might help them cope with the fact that lost an election, and to process that fact so they can move on with life? We found a few ideas, and wanted to share them here with you all.
#5. A One-Year Subscription to The New York Times
The first step toward helping a cultist break free is to bombard them with reality. While the Times certainly has its issues, like when it decided to let a fascist southern misanthropic senator opine in their editorial section about wanting to unleash the might of the U.S. military on its own citizens, but for the most part one can rely on the Paper of Record to deliver a daily journal of the events of the world.
Note: You may want to consider also enlisting them in basic literacy development courses, so they’ll understand the content of the newspaper, instead of just using it to to house train their Sarah Huckabee Sanders.
#4. A Toilet Plunger
Studies show that one reason why this cult has such a hard time dealing with reality is that they have found a way over time to burrow their skulls deep inside their own rectums. Though, recent studies show millions chose to embed their heads inside the rectum of the Commander in Chief, as well. Plungers are extremely effective at unclogging things, and we believe the suction of one, when applied correctly, could help dislodge your cultist loved one’s head from their own colorectal areas.
#3. A Paperback Copy of The Constitution of the United States of America
They all claim to love it. They all bloviate as if they understand what they’ve read. However, both of those claims feel as false as Ivanka’s second nose and third and fourth tits, don’t they? Perhaps they might understand how our system of government works, and that they can’t just stamp their feet and hold their breaths until we decide to let them just have their way. And if not, you can at least say you tried, like the socialist libtard cuck you are.
Trust us. They’d know without any problem whatsoever exactly what they want to do with and to it. You won’t want to be in the room, in the house, on the same block, in the same ZIP Code, state, country, or even planet when they get to work with it, but believe us, you will be the big hero of Christmas. What does it do to help them deal and cope with reality? Nothing. But it literally lets them go fuck themselves, which is what most of us have wanted them to do for the last four years anyway.
#1. Nothing. Absolutely. Positively. Nothing.
Give them what their president gave the country for four years. Give them what they think we deserve in terms of a livable wage. Give them all the sympathy and compassion they have for immigrant orphans locked in cages at the border. In short, give them what they deserve. Maybe, if they’re alone with their thoughts, isolated from the rest of their families and loved ones, and they get no gifts, no signs of love or affection, they’ll think to themselves that, perhaps, they’ve alienated people and hurt them, and they’ll change.
Note: We are pretty sure our drugs kicked-in before we started to write this one. They’re probably literally incapable of change. *Shrug*
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.