Tuesday, September 26, 2023
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    20 States Sue Texas for Being Embarrassing Morons

    WASHINGTON, D.C. — Twenty individual states have filed an emergency countersuit against the State of Texas for “being embarrassing morons” in the United States Supreme Court. The suit is a response the Lone Star State’s original complaint filed with the high court earlier this week against a handful of key swing states that ultimately helped hand last month’s election to former Vice-President Joe Biden of Delaware.

    Just hours ago, 17 more states also signed onto Texas’ lawsuit, meaning that just two states have not chosen a side yet .

    MORE: McConnell: “Every Administration is Entitled to Attempting a Post-Election Coup”

    “The Constitution clearly gives each state the power over its own electoral processes,” the new suit begins, “and if the Attorney General of Texas wants to have a say in how Georgia, Pennsylvania, Michigan, or Wisconsin run their elections, he can move there, run for office, win, and then start going about setting policy. Up to that point, however, his efforts should be laughed out of this court, and frankly off this planet and rocketed far off into the cosmos.”

    Texas Attorney General Paxton spearheaded the initial suit, that begs the Supreme Court to set aside votes in other states because he claims those states didn’t run their elections by their own rules. Ordinarily, the avenue to address a state’s election is in the state’s own courts. It’s unclear why Mr. Paxton, and the seventeen other Confederate states that joined his suit, would believe the Supreme Court should step in and declare millions and millions of votes void, particularly when heretofore not a single lower court has ruled to invalidate any large number of votes, nor has any widespread fraud been alleged or proven.

    “We note that nearly every single state that has signed onto Texas’ suit also tried to break free from the union and fought against the United States in the Civil War,” the new suit, filed by California Attorney General Xavier Becerra declares, “so perhaps this suit is just one final, sad, desperate attempt to resurrect that mythical Lost Cause and strike a blow for the South’s rise once more. That doesn’t change any of the facts, which are that none of the president’s desperate lawsuits have been found to have any merit before, and this suit is not different in the slightest.”

    California’s countersuit pointedly argues that “no matter many frivolous lawsuits” Trump’s campaign files, they “can’t sue their way back into the Oval Office.”

    “President Trump has lost and re-lost so many times that at this point, we have to wonder if it’s his secret kink, to lose so publicly and humiliatingly,” the suit states, “at any rate, the president should be admonished by this court and reminded that he and his staff can’t sue their way back into the Oval Office.”

    The Supreme Court has Texas’ case docketed for Thursday, though many scholars believe it has very little chance of being granted a full hearing.

    ALSO: 5 Christmas Gifts That Will Help The Special Cultist In Your Life Process Losing an Election

    Like what you read? Consider becoming a paid Facebook subscriber, or signing up for my Patreon. Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

    James Schlarmann
    James Schlarmannhttps://facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
    Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.